Figuring me out

Written in June, 2014

OK, I have to practice writing. I constantly read things that others are writing, courses they are doing, books and systems they have developed; and I question whether I really have anything to offer.
Of course, the answer to that is a resounding YES! But how do I stay in touch with that knowledge? How do I remind myself that I have something to offer in my way, that cannot be offered by anyone else in my way?

The second thing that holds me back is doing for others before I take care of what I need to do for myself. This is a recurring theme, and probably why my mole became cancerous. Right now I am considering doing a house clearing and home goods sale, for a fee mind you, because we need the money to pay off credit card debt from the cancer surgery and also auto repair bills. It will take too much time to pay these off within our fixed income and budgeting. I have also agreed to do some shop tending for a friend of mine.

Rationally this sounds good and practical, yes? I need to clear it with myself that I am not just procrastinating and distracting myself from my primary work of writing my next book and setting up the resultant program and business. I remind myself that I have not yet promoted my previous book which, by the way, is excellent for the reason I wrote it. Would learning how to, and promoting it, be worth the while of not signing on to do other work? Can I do both efficiently? Can I do all three efficiently?

Then I think since I am so good at clearing out cluttered homes, and since I constantly find myself drawn to this work, should I explore doing it? I already have a local reputation for a few things and I’m sure I could get clients – or could I? How committed to this would I be? How long would it be before I got fed up with peoples’ junk and their attachments to it? Hmm… Looks like I just answered part of that question in the asking of it.

I know that I want to do something that I love doing. But I’m scared. Not the kind of scared you get when you’re on a rickety roller-coaster, or a when getting ready to bungee jump, or when you have to tell someone close to you something very unpleasant; but scared nonetheless. A kind of scared that comes from stepping out of my comfort zone. A fear that comes from committing to something that no one I know who is like me has ever done, and been both happy and successful at.

Sooo… I know I love exploring the topic of adapting in an aging body. I love talking about it. I love learning about it. I love dispelling false beliefs about it. I love finding that I’m wrong, because there is new information out there. Well, sometimes I don’t like that part so much, but I have already adapted to changes in accepted ideas and information better than most people I know. I have been at this physical adaptation and self-care bit longer than almost anyone I know – especially for not having been born into it.

Do I like people enough to spend my life helping them? Especially when they seem so clueless and dense? I have already spent a good part of my life helping those who are, by all observations, clueless about the thing I have helped them with. So I have experience and expertise at this as well. And I end up finding compassion in the action. I have often felt gratified and improved by the effort, even when I have not been paid for my efforts.

The not getting paid is the hardest part, when a lot of these folks are better off financially than I have been. But I realize that I often have felt that I don’t need to get paid for this work that I have done. Then again, when I get overworked or overwhelmed I feel resentful. That is not good. I need to make sure I get paid. I need to reassure myself that I am, indeed, worth whatever I decide I am worth. If my customers want this work done they will pay what I need to get. If I’m doing part-time, fun work in a shop, then I don’t need to make a serious commitment and I don’t need to get paid enough. I just don’t want to get sidetracked by having short-term fun either.

Overwhelm and resentment also come from having clients cling to me. That’s why I want to work with groups and insist that customers have accountability partners and companion cheerleaders. I also want to work with people who are self-motivated. I want to see customers take a small bit of control over a part of their lives that they may be uncomfortable with. That’s what I’m doing, and I want to surround myself with people who are doing no less. I want to inspire them to be better, and I want them to inspire me to be better. This will make the world a better place!

So, on this day, I commit to myself to write everyday. Even if it is a short note on why I can’t write, or why I’m pissed off at whatever. These will be the same challenges that my customers will have, and I might as well get a head start on documenting what I’m experiencing. These are the things that stand in the way of our doing what we have decided to do for ourselves. What we do for ourselves will automatically have a positive effect on those around us. That effect may be to simply make those who are comfortable in their status-quo uncomfortable.

The discomfort that comes from having someone else in our lives change something that WE are comfortable with, is our discomfort – our “choice.” So the same holds that if we change something, and someone around us is uncomfortable with that change, that is their choice – and often their projection. It behooves us to be a good example, both to others and to ourselves. Thus, If I can do this, so can you!

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